When did I decide

that other people's inability to make me orgasm was my fault?

It just occurred to me as I was sitting here. Why do I blame myself? It's not like I actively try not to come every time I have sex. And I've managed it a couple of times now with someone else in the room (plus I'm very good at doing it myself) so I'm not one of those women who is completely unable to orgasm.

I'm so sick of faking it. I used to think it was just easier, took the pressure off, plus they never noticed it wasn't real so where was the harm? Turns out the harm was in me cheating myself out of many many orgasms over the years - if they think they're doing it right because I'm faking it every time, they're not going to change their methods are they? Lying to boyfriends over the years, putting the effort into performing without ever getting the real thing back.

And if I'd said something, I know every boyfriend I've had would've made it his mission to get me there. Maybe that's what I was afraid of, that they'd try and try and it still wouldn't work so they'd end up feeling like a failure. Which, again, wouldn't have been my problem. Unless they put it on me, decided I was weird for not being able to get over the final hurdle. Ultimately it all comes down to fear of rejection, of being out of the ordinary. Story of my life.