if I'm going to be single forever.
I know I'm only 24, so it's not like I'm over the hill or anything, but I haven't had a boyfriend for 2 and a half years. That's a loooooong time for someone who truly loves being in a relationship. I feel so much more secure and my outlook's always generally sunnier when I'm with someone. And yes, blah blah, don't need a man to be complete, love yourself before someone else can love you, all that bullshit. I KNOW, I've HEARD it. It's just not true.
And I'm starting to get horribly jealous. Not just of people I know in real life (all of whom, by the way, are in relationships. Seriously, I know one girl who's single in my entire social circle, and she only spilt up with her boyfriend three weeks ago so she hardly counts) but of random couples walking down the street, characters in TV shows, women in magazine articles...even when the article's about something else entirely, if it mentions the subject's boyfriend or husband, I get pissed off. The other day I read this piece about a woman who lost both her legs and got through it to become a champion waterskier and met the man of her dreams, and all I could think when I finished it was "she's three years younger than me and she's in a relationship. Life's not fair." How fucking sick is that? Christ I'm a horrible person. Maybe that's why no-one wants me.
Oh yeah, things with him from the last post didn't work out. Obviously. Not sure why I thought it would, since it never ever does ever EVER and never will again.
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6 comments:
I know exactly how you feel, down to the jealousy when people mention boyfriends or husbands, even when they are mentioned in passing. I'm jealous of people who have been through divorces even because it means at one point they were married. I'm currently jealous of a woman who has had a useless and meaningless adult life, whereas I've done lots in my life, because she is married to the guy I want. She left him, gave him up, I got him, then she wanted him back. He went back to her. Yeah, jealous.
i was even jealous of people in movies, those romantic comedies with psycho girls that end happily ever after. if SHE can have a boyfriend who proposes, why can't I????
yeah ...
I'm so glad it's not just me who gets jealous of fictional characters as well as real people. I have to turn the TV off sometimes because I'm so wound up.
Lea, I know what you mean about people who've been through divorces, at least they had someone who loved them enough to marry them at some stage. I've got nothing here.
OK, i found your blog via some weird link path from someone else's blog. all people i don't know. ANYWAY, i just wanted to tell you that you are not alone with the jealousy. in fact, i wish i could tell you it gets better, yet as my friends marry (i'm in my early 30's) now having a boyfriend seems...less than...having a husband. my theory to get over it is to embrace all the feminism i can and remember that i do survive without a partner. also, a friend of mine recommended a dog. that might be my next step. it does seem to get easier as you age. you seem WAY smarter than i was when i was 24. and having known now a few people who went through divorces, the shame seems to linger that you made a public mistake. so in a way, you are better off.
so, long comment. sorry, but you struck a nerve. perils of public blogs i suppose. and thanks for writing it so eloquently.
Thanks anonymous, I appreciate that. What you said about divorces makes sense - lots of people I went to school with are married now, and that gets to me, but then I think about how many of them are going to be divorced in ten years time. It's much better to wait and actually end up with the person you're supposed to end up with rather than marry the first guy who asks and end up as an ex-wife, surely?
Heh, long reply to long comment.
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