When did I decide

that other people's inability to make me orgasm was my fault?

It just occurred to me as I was sitting here. Why do I blame myself? It's not like I actively try not to come every time I have sex. And I've managed it a couple of times now with someone else in the room (plus I'm very good at doing it myself) so I'm not one of those women who is completely unable to orgasm.

I'm so sick of faking it. I used to think it was just easier, took the pressure off, plus they never noticed it wasn't real so where was the harm? Turns out the harm was in me cheating myself out of many many orgasms over the years - if they think they're doing it right because I'm faking it every time, they're not going to change their methods are they? Lying to boyfriends over the years, putting the effort into performing without ever getting the real thing back.

And if I'd said something, I know every boyfriend I've had would've made it his mission to get me there. Maybe that's what I was afraid of, that they'd try and try and it still wouldn't work so they'd end up feeling like a failure. Which, again, wouldn't have been my problem. Unless they put it on me, decided I was weird for not being able to get over the final hurdle. Ultimately it all comes down to fear of rejection, of being out of the ordinary. Story of my life.

I feel like shit today.

Last night was fantastic. I went to my drunken hook up boy's house (we've slept together about five times over the past few months but always at my place so this was all new) and it is AMAZING. It's in the middle of nowhere, by a river, the house is huge, they've got a freakin HOT TUB in the garden...I got really drunk so it's all a bit of a blur but there was definitely naked hot tub action at some point. Then we slept all curled up together, and he kept kissing my back and my neck and it was so lovely...

...and now I feel like shit. He dropped me off at home about two hours ago and I've been on the verge of tears ever since. I feel like I just want to be back there rather than sitting here with nothing to do. It's not that I'm in love with him or anything, I just like the closeness and I want more of it. He's completely unreadable - there was the snuggling and affection last night, but I don't feel like I can ring him or text him for a couple of days now in case he thinks I'm getting clingy and all that crap.

Oh god, I don't know. I just don't want to be on my own right now, but unfortunately I have no choice.

Took the words right out of my mouth.

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Sometimes I wonder

if I'm going to be single forever.

I know I'm only 24, so it's not like I'm over the hill or anything, but I haven't had a boyfriend for 2 and a half years. That's a loooooong time for someone who truly loves being in a relationship. I feel so much more secure and my outlook's always generally sunnier when I'm with someone. And yes, blah blah, don't need a man to be complete, love yourself before someone else can love you, all that bullshit. I KNOW, I've HEARD it. It's just not true.

And I'm starting to get horribly jealous. Not just of people I know in real life (all of whom, by the way, are in relationships. Seriously, I know one girl who's single in my entire social circle, and she only spilt up with her boyfriend three weeks ago so she hardly counts) but of random couples walking down the street, characters in TV shows, women in magazine articles...even when the article's about something else entirely, if it mentions the subject's boyfriend or husband, I get pissed off. The other day I read this piece about a woman who lost both her legs and got through it to become a champion waterskier and met the man of her dreams, and all I could think when I finished it was "she's three years younger than me and she's in a relationship. Life's not fair." How fucking sick is that? Christ I'm a horrible person. Maybe that's why no-one wants me.

Oh yeah, things with him from the last post didn't work out. Obviously. Not sure why I thought it would, since it never ever does ever EVER and never will again.

I met a man!

Again.

He's cute and kind of odd looking (exactly my type) and he's got a great accent and he smells sexy - pheromones rather than Lynx Africa, which I actually love shut up. You know when a guy puts his hands above his head and you get a whiff of him and go "ooooh!" Yeah, that.

And this one is NOT going to go to Morocco and come home with a girlfriend. Still not over that, in case you can't tell.

The only thing is, he's got the same name as my cousin, which is a bit weird. And once again I used sex as an icebreaker, despite my plan to keep my legs shut. Still, I'm seeing him again so it's not quite as whorish. And it was sooooooo good. One more point on the Non-Self-Induced-Orgasm board. I rode that boy so hard I'm walking bow-legged today. I, erm, called in sick for work (on my second day, nice one) but all in all, not a bad day [/Jim Halpert].