Anonymous, for some reason I didn't get your email. If you wanted to send it again, that'd be great. If not, no problem.
rockinghorse_fly@hotmail.com
Saturday, 13 December 2008
Wow.
It feels like my entire life has flipped, with a back handspring thrown in for good measure. Ex found out about everything and we haven't spoken since (he removed me as a friend on Facebook, say no more) and out of a group of friends of about 30, I now have precisely 2 people who will still talk to me. This does not include my housemates, who sat me down and told me they're willing to "let me" live in the same house until our contract is up in June because they don't want to have a stranger move in, but categorically stated that we are not friends and co-existing is all I'm going to get. Which I totally understand, I behaved horribly to two guys who have been friends of theirs longer than I have, but it's not exactly my ideal situation.
Added to that, I've had a bit of trauma with my department because, for the third time, I wasn't attending enough to pass the module. The first time was because my grandmother had died, the second time was because of the abortion, but this time I had no excuse. And to be honest, I think the last two times those were just "convenient" excuses too. This time I had to face up to the fact that I have anxiety issues and am most likely depressed, and I need help. Thankfully the university has a counselling service which I'm attending on Tuesday, hopefully to get some cognitive behavioural therapy to help with my confidence. Everyone has been amazingly supportive, including my parents, who were notified by the university - I came home for a visit one day and found myself having to tell the entire truth, which felt like such a weight off my shoulders considering I've been lying to them for a long time about my progress on the nursing course.
I seriously feel like everything's out in the open now and I can start 2009 as a completely open and honest person. No lies about my course, no two-timing people, no fucked up behaviour in general. That's the person I want to be, and I really really hope I can do it.
Oh, and I'm going to AA on Monday night too. Can't hurt.
Added to that, I've had a bit of trauma with my department because, for the third time, I wasn't attending enough to pass the module. The first time was because my grandmother had died, the second time was because of the abortion, but this time I had no excuse. And to be honest, I think the last two times those were just "convenient" excuses too. This time I had to face up to the fact that I have anxiety issues and am most likely depressed, and I need help. Thankfully the university has a counselling service which I'm attending on Tuesday, hopefully to get some cognitive behavioural therapy to help with my confidence. Everyone has been amazingly supportive, including my parents, who were notified by the university - I came home for a visit one day and found myself having to tell the entire truth, which felt like such a weight off my shoulders considering I've been lying to them for a long time about my progress on the nursing course.
I seriously feel like everything's out in the open now and I can start 2009 as a completely open and honest person. No lies about my course, no two-timing people, no fucked up behaviour in general. That's the person I want to be, and I really really hope I can do it.
Oh, and I'm going to AA on Monday night too. Can't hurt.
Monday, 17 November 2008
I just can't help fucking things up.
I love my ex, unfortunately. We've been sort of a couple since my last post - by "sort of" I mean we see each other every couple of weeks and spend all the time we have together being very lovey dovey and touchy feely, but he's still listed as single on Facebook.
During this time I've been occasionally sleeping with someone else. I have no idea why, since I really do love the ex. I think it's because I have a massive need for attention, a craving for affection. Or maybe it's because I can't allow myself to be happy so I always have to do something that will in the long term lead to a massive fuckup. Case in point: this other guy is in the same circle of friends as the ex, and this weekend found out he wasn't the only one. He's devastated, everyone else in the group hates me, and it's only a matter of time before Ex finds out, at which point my entire world will collapse.
And it's all my own fault. I wish I could stop sabotaging everything in my life. But I don't deserve to be happy, especially not now.
Edit: I've just reread this post and it's so self-pitying I can hardly stand it. I fucked up, this is all my fault and I need to be a big girl, learn from my mistakes and move on. There's nothing anyone can do to fix it. I'll just have to take the disapproval from my friends, which is completely justified, and take steps from now on to be a better person and not screw people over like this ever again.
Basically I need to stop being such a whiny bitch and just fucking get on with it. Simple as that.
During this time I've been occasionally sleeping with someone else. I have no idea why, since I really do love the ex. I think it's because I have a massive need for attention, a craving for affection. Or maybe it's because I can't allow myself to be happy so I always have to do something that will in the long term lead to a massive fuckup. Case in point: this other guy is in the same circle of friends as the ex, and this weekend found out he wasn't the only one. He's devastated, everyone else in the group hates me, and it's only a matter of time before Ex finds out, at which point my entire world will collapse.
And it's all my own fault. I wish I could stop sabotaging everything in my life. But I don't deserve to be happy, especially not now.
Edit: I've just reread this post and it's so self-pitying I can hardly stand it. I fucked up, this is all my fault and I need to be a big girl, learn from my mistakes and move on. There's nothing anyone can do to fix it. I'll just have to take the disapproval from my friends, which is completely justified, and take steps from now on to be a better person and not screw people over like this ever again.
Basically I need to stop being such a whiny bitch and just fucking get on with it. Simple as that.
Monday, 1 September 2008
Wednesday, 11 June 2008
It never fails.
Monday, I blogged about being so happy with my new boyfriend. Tuesday, I threw a party at my flat. Wednesday morning, he tells me that at the party this girl we both know kissed him, and he's been in love with her for years, and the kiss stirred up all his emotions, and he realised he doesn't actually feel anything for me.
I've cried so much my eyes feel like they're going to fall out.
The best part is, about two hours after he broke up with me, she texted him saying she doesn't see him in that way and doesn't want to be with him. So now no-one's happy.
I've cried so much my eyes feel like they're going to fall out.
The best part is, about two hours after he broke up with me, she texted him saying she doesn't see him in that way and doesn't want to be with him. So now no-one's happy.
Monday, 9 June 2008
Oh yeah
Pub golf!
Well, basically you get dressed up in golf clothes (for me that meant a polo shirt and a visor), there's a drink assigned to each bar that you go to, and a par for each one. So in the first bar it might be a pint of lager at par three, which means you have to drink it in three gulps. I remember the first four bars we went to...after that, nothing. We all had little score cards to fill out, and mine just stops halfway through with a big pen mark through the centre of it. That pretty much sums up the night. Apparently I got right to the end (there is photographic evidence to support this) but I just do not remember.
There is also photographic evidence that I kissed at least two girls that night. Now, I'm the most heterosexual person you'll ever meet - I got to the age of 24 without ever snogging a woman, not even in a game of truth or dare or whatever. And then BAM! Two in one night. Not that I remember any of it. What a waste.
So yeah, that's pub golf. It's lethal but so much fun!
Well, basically you get dressed up in golf clothes (for me that meant a polo shirt and a visor), there's a drink assigned to each bar that you go to, and a par for each one. So in the first bar it might be a pint of lager at par three, which means you have to drink it in three gulps. I remember the first four bars we went to...after that, nothing. We all had little score cards to fill out, and mine just stops halfway through with a big pen mark through the centre of it. That pretty much sums up the night. Apparently I got right to the end (there is photographic evidence to support this) but I just do not remember.
There is also photographic evidence that I kissed at least two girls that night. Now, I'm the most heterosexual person you'll ever meet - I got to the age of 24 without ever snogging a woman, not even in a game of truth or dare or whatever. And then BAM! Two in one night. Not that I remember any of it. What a waste.
So yeah, that's pub golf. It's lethal but so much fun!
Oops
How can the whole of May have passed without me typing a word here? Isn't it weird how some months seem to drag on forever (January this year felt like an epoch) and some just skip on past so quickly that you hardly notice them.
Anyway, hello again! How've you been? Did you get that promotion you were after? How about those Red Sox? And other things of that nature.
Life here has been both stressful and pretty uneventful, somehow. The biggest change is that I'm now seeing someone (we're officially "in a relationship" on Facebook, so you know it's a big deal). All's going well so far, apart from the fact that we're a little bit too alike - we're both quite quiet and introspective so long periods go past where neither of us says anything. Which I actually don't mind, I hate people who are jabberjabberjabbering all the live-long day, but I worry sometimes that he's bored and wondering why I don't have more to say for myself. I'm sure he's not though, or he wouldn't keep calling, would he? Well, we'll see.
On a more important note, he can make me cum* like there's no tomorrow. Before this, I hadn't had sex since February and I was starting to think I could live without it, but now...I literally want to be naked with him every hour of every day (luckily neither of us have jobs at the moment so we can actually do that). I'd forgotten how sexy it is when someone's inside you and you're both sweaty and breathless and it feels so amazing and then he says your name....god, it kills me every time. It might just be because of the drought, but I can't get enough of it.
Anyway, at the moment I have a whopping cold sore (sexy!) so we're limited in the things we can do - which is unfortunate because he's very talented with his mouth - but once that's gone normal service will be resumed. And I CANNOT WAIT.
Oh, I should probably add that he's also incredibly sweet and thoughtful and makes me laugh. You know, all the good stuff. It's little things, like we were in a bar the other night and I'd nearly finished my drink, and suddenly a new one appears in front of me. That sounds minor, but I've never had a boyfriend who does things like that. Most of them wouldn't have even noticed, and even then I would've had to ask for them to get me another (which I wouldn't do by the way, I'm not one of these women who expects everything on a plate. But it's nice when it happens unexpectedly).
So, yeah, smitten. Everyone keep your fingers crossed for this one.
*I hate writing that word - is it "cum" or "come"? - but it's my favourite way to put it. "Orgasm" is a bit too grown up.
Anyway, hello again! How've you been? Did you get that promotion you were after? How about those Red Sox? And other things of that nature.
Life here has been both stressful and pretty uneventful, somehow. The biggest change is that I'm now seeing someone (we're officially "in a relationship" on Facebook, so you know it's a big deal). All's going well so far, apart from the fact that we're a little bit too alike - we're both quite quiet and introspective so long periods go past where neither of us says anything. Which I actually don't mind, I hate people who are jabberjabberjabbering all the live-long day, but I worry sometimes that he's bored and wondering why I don't have more to say for myself. I'm sure he's not though, or he wouldn't keep calling, would he? Well, we'll see.
On a more important note, he can make me cum* like there's no tomorrow. Before this, I hadn't had sex since February and I was starting to think I could live without it, but now...I literally want to be naked with him every hour of every day (luckily neither of us have jobs at the moment so we can actually do that). I'd forgotten how sexy it is when someone's inside you and you're both sweaty and breathless and it feels so amazing and then he says your name....god, it kills me every time. It might just be because of the drought, but I can't get enough of it.
Anyway, at the moment I have a whopping cold sore (sexy!) so we're limited in the things we can do - which is unfortunate because he's very talented with his mouth - but once that's gone normal service will be resumed. And I CANNOT WAIT.
Oh, I should probably add that he's also incredibly sweet and thoughtful and makes me laugh. You know, all the good stuff. It's little things, like we were in a bar the other night and I'd nearly finished my drink, and suddenly a new one appears in front of me. That sounds minor, but I've never had a boyfriend who does things like that. Most of them wouldn't have even noticed, and even then I would've had to ask for them to get me another (which I wouldn't do by the way, I'm not one of these women who expects everything on a plate. But it's nice when it happens unexpectedly).
So, yeah, smitten. Everyone keep your fingers crossed for this one.
*I hate writing that word - is it "cum" or "come"? - but it's my favourite way to put it. "Orgasm" is a bit too grown up.
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