Ouchie.

I went away for a few days this past weekend, down to the south coast for a little bit of getaway time. Turns out it was exactly what I needed - sunshine, the beach, a couple of games of mini golf (haven't played for 10 years; I still suck) and the most amazing accommodation I've ever seen. For some reason we got upgraded to the penthouse apartment, and it was unbelievable - right on the quayside, balconies, split-level...and the views just about blew me away. Plus the bath in my bathroom was so big I could practically doggy-paddle in the thing. It was a perfect long weekend, and my head is on a lot straighter now than it was before I went. I'm ready to start taking care of myself again.

So now I'm back in Manchester, and going out tonight for the first time in ages. Can't wait to see everyone, I've missed them all over Easter. We're playing pub golf apparently, which seems to involve dressing up like an idiot and drinking until you can't drink no more. Done and done!

I'm working.

It's insane.

My mum runs a workshop for people with mental illnesses, and it's closing down after 22 years in business because they just don't have enough money anymore. So now people who've been coming here for a massive portion of their lives have to either find somewhere new to go - and trust me, there is nowhere like this place - or just stay at home instead. It sucks.

Meanwhile, there are still orders to get out, so I've been recruited to work there in the factory for the next few days. I've done this before and I know what it entails, but the job I've been put onto is mind numbing. But I'm getting paid (cash in hand, don't tell the tax man) so I can't really say no. Plus, I feel like I owe it to them. Whenever I've been without a job my mum's found something for me, and I need to at least try to give something back.

In other news, my libido is starting to rise again, but I really don't want to go back to my slaggy ways. I keep remembering what it's like to have sex with someone you're in love with. I miss that.

Ex-boyfriend tally: out of 4, 1 married, 1 living with girlfriend, 1 moving in with girlfriend next week.

I can't believe he's fucking married. The bastard.

Well.

I guess the aforementioned booty buddy (should that be capitalised? I think so) might be feeling the same as me. He texted me last night at about 1a.m. all "what you been up to?" I waited an hour and sent back a generic message. And then, nothing.

I know he goes out every Tuesday night, and when he's out and drunk he always tries to get me to invite him over. So I can only conclude that he met and subsequently got off with some other girl. Which is fine, because 1) we're not exclusive in our sexy time, 2) I'm permanently not in the mood at the moment and 3) I'm at my parents' house this week so it wouldn't have been on the menu anyway. But then a teeny weeny part of me thinks, what if I suddenly get my libido back and am desperate for a shag, and he refuses to come round? What am I going to do then? Go out and find someone else to drag home? Sleep with one of the "like a brother" guys that are hanging around? I don't think so.

The ridiculous, romantic, Notebook watching, too-much-chick-lit-in-childhood part of me thinks that maybe I'm going through this period of celibacy and not wanting one night stands because The Next Big Relationship is just around the corner and I'm getting myself ready. And then I realise that that's bullshit, because what makes me think that I'm a good enough person to deserve something nice like that to happen? Dream on.

What a shame.

I don't miss the sex.

I realised the other day - I genuinely don't miss it. I thought by now, after six weeks, I'd be squirming and antsy and desperate to give my booty buddy a call. But no. I haven't stopped giving myself a treat every now and then, but to be honest the thought of having to de-fuzz myself and get dressed up and act all sexy and contort myself into different positions while some guy tries and fails to start my car...I just can't be bothered (to clarify, in the past that was my idea of a perfect Saturday night). These days I'd rather have my bed to myself and get a decent night's sleep.

Can't decide if I'm getting old, or if I'm finally growing up.

Oh, this sucks.

I'm having a spell of attracting people who I'm not attracted to in return. This happens every so often, and it feels good on one hand (the incredibly shallow hand, admittedly) but on the other hand, it sucks. I like both these guys as friends, and I enjoy hanging out with them, so how do I tell them I'm not interested in anything more without making the situation permanently weird?

And also, where are all the suitable men? Do you know how long it's been since I was with someone who I felt "The Click" with? Coming up for 3 FREAKING YEARS. I mean, that's not normal is it. Okay, I met a guy who I definitely clicked with about a year ago, but then he buggered off to Morocco and met someone else before we had time to develop it and I haven't seen him since, so that doesn't really count. And even if it did, it's still been a year since then.

God I miss The Click.

Arsehole.

Hello, Ex In Australia Who I Haven't Seen Since 2004.

Yes, I still have a soft spot for you. And you know that. So why do you think it's fair to start texting me, asking if I remember all the "good times" we had together? Obviously I remember them, you fucked me to within an inch of my life and you know it. Then you start pestering me to send you a photo. We already did that, remember? If you've thrown them out, that's your problem.

Oh, I'm sorry, what's that? You're at your own bachelor party?

Fuck you. You're 32 dude, time to grow the fuck up.

I hope you and She will be very happy together.

Yikes!

I keep typing the URL of my own blog as "a fist time for everything". Hmm.