Well.

I guess the aforementioned booty buddy (should that be capitalised? I think so) might be feeling the same as me. He texted me last night at about 1a.m. all "what you been up to?" I waited an hour and sent back a generic message. And then, nothing.

I know he goes out every Tuesday night, and when he's out and drunk he always tries to get me to invite him over. So I can only conclude that he met and subsequently got off with some other girl. Which is fine, because 1) we're not exclusive in our sexy time, 2) I'm permanently not in the mood at the moment and 3) I'm at my parents' house this week so it wouldn't have been on the menu anyway. But then a teeny weeny part of me thinks, what if I suddenly get my libido back and am desperate for a shag, and he refuses to come round? What am I going to do then? Go out and find someone else to drag home? Sleep with one of the "like a brother" guys that are hanging around? I don't think so.

The ridiculous, romantic, Notebook watching, too-much-chick-lit-in-childhood part of me thinks that maybe I'm going through this period of celibacy and not wanting one night stands because The Next Big Relationship is just around the corner and I'm getting myself ready. And then I realise that that's bullshit, because what makes me think that I'm a good enough person to deserve something nice like that to happen? Dream on.

What a shame.

I don't miss the sex.

I realised the other day - I genuinely don't miss it. I thought by now, after six weeks, I'd be squirming and antsy and desperate to give my booty buddy a call. But no. I haven't stopped giving myself a treat every now and then, but to be honest the thought of having to de-fuzz myself and get dressed up and act all sexy and contort myself into different positions while some guy tries and fails to start my car...I just can't be bothered (to clarify, in the past that was my idea of a perfect Saturday night). These days I'd rather have my bed to myself and get a decent night's sleep.

Can't decide if I'm getting old, or if I'm finally growing up.

Oh, this sucks.

I'm having a spell of attracting people who I'm not attracted to in return. This happens every so often, and it feels good on one hand (the incredibly shallow hand, admittedly) but on the other hand, it sucks. I like both these guys as friends, and I enjoy hanging out with them, so how do I tell them I'm not interested in anything more without making the situation permanently weird?

And also, where are all the suitable men? Do you know how long it's been since I was with someone who I felt "The Click" with? Coming up for 3 FREAKING YEARS. I mean, that's not normal is it. Okay, I met a guy who I definitely clicked with about a year ago, but then he buggered off to Morocco and met someone else before we had time to develop it and I haven't seen him since, so that doesn't really count. And even if it did, it's still been a year since then.

God I miss The Click.

Arsehole.

Hello, Ex In Australia Who I Haven't Seen Since 2004.

Yes, I still have a soft spot for you. And you know that. So why do you think it's fair to start texting me, asking if I remember all the "good times" we had together? Obviously I remember them, you fucked me to within an inch of my life and you know it. Then you start pestering me to send you a photo. We already did that, remember? If you've thrown them out, that's your problem.

Oh, I'm sorry, what's that? You're at your own bachelor party?

Fuck you. You're 32 dude, time to grow the fuck up.

I hope you and She will be very happy together.

Yikes!

I keep typing the URL of my own blog as "a fist time for everything". Hmm.

No sex in February, woo!

Yep, the abstinence is going well so far. One whole week since the start of Lent, and all I've done is share a bed with a guy. That was last night, actually - we went to the pub quiz and I started talking to this bloke on the team next to us, and the next thing you know I've invited myself back to his house. I've got to stop drinking during the week. But the point is, I kept my pants on the whole time. Plus I get extra credit for the fact that I haven't actually had sex this month at all, the last time was the 31st Jan.*

So, a week with no sex and no chocolate and I haven't yet cracked up. Maybe this isn't going to be as hard as I thought.

*Yes, I've started writing down who I sleep with and when. It's just good sense.

The things we do for Jesus.

Well, and God too.

Today's Ash Wednesday, the first day of Lent, which if you're Catholic means fasting as much as poss, and if you have to eat, then definitely no meat allowed. I had scrambled eggs with mushrooms and cheese at about 7 p.m., 3 hours ago, and I'm now staaaarving. All I can think about is a big meat-filled Subway sandwich. Plus I've given up chocolate - also for Lent, not just for fun - and right now I'd kill for a Mars bar or some M&Ms (non-peanut, I don't agree with nuts in chocolate). But I don't want to burn in hell, so I must resist.

Church was pretty good today, apart from as usual forgetting if you're supposed to say "amen" when the priest daubs the ashes on your head. I haven't been since Christmas but I think I'm going to get back into it regularly, as much as it feels like a chore sometimes (particularly when hung over) I always come out feeling...sort of refreshed, I suppose. Like I've got a clean slate for the week and maybe this'll be the week I don't fuck things up in one way or another.

Obviously I'm not the perfect Catholic (premarital sex complete with birth control, oh yeah, and that abortion that one time) but I'd like to think I'm going to heaven. I'm ultimately a good person, I want everyone to be happy and try to do things to help that, and I've never screwed someone over REALLY badly. Points for that, surely. Plus I'm giving up sex for Lent, so that should bump me up a few places on St Peter's list. If I manage it, that is. But I'm pretty determined. Just in case, though, I pledge here and now that every time I have sex, I will donate £10 to Cancer Research. And I'm skint, so you know this is serious.