Good news:

...housemate and I are now a couple. I haven't had this kind of uncomplicated, "I like you, you like me, let's sit and hold hands and watch TV" thing for over a year, and I'd forgotten how FANTASTIC it is.

Bad news: I've had two abnormal smear test results in the past 6 months, so tomorrow I have to go for a colposcopy (basically a man wearing magnifying goggles has a poke around your cervix with a big cotton bud). Fun!

Wish me luck.

Alright?

How's things?

I'm...okay, I suppose. Recently moved house and now live with three blokes, one of whom I'm rapidly developing a crush on. We've spent a couple of nights cuddling in each others' beds (although no funny business, not even a kiss - look at me, I'm learning and growing and changing!) but last night we decided it'd be way too complicated to get into anything. Spooning, however, is still allowed. So I'm happy because I still get to sleep next to him, but not happy because that's it. Hmmph.

I want to hibernate for a few weeks please.

P.P.S.

"Don't ever let another person have so much emotional power over you. Remember, no guy is that special."

Mr NYC, I need to have this tattooed somewhere about my person. Thank you.

P.S.

Anonymous, for some reason I didn't get your email. If you wanted to send it again, that'd be great. If not, no problem.

rockinghorse_fly@hotmail.com

Wow.

It feels like my entire life has flipped, with a back handspring thrown in for good measure. Ex found out about everything and we haven't spoken since (he removed me as a friend on Facebook, say no more) and out of a group of friends of about 30, I now have precisely 2 people who will still talk to me. This does not include my housemates, who sat me down and told me they're willing to "let me" live in the same house until our contract is up in June because they don't want to have a stranger move in, but categorically stated that we are not friends and co-existing is all I'm going to get. Which I totally understand, I behaved horribly to two guys who have been friends of theirs longer than I have, but it's not exactly my ideal situation.

Added to that, I've had a bit of trauma with my department because, for the third time, I wasn't attending enough to pass the module. The first time was because my grandmother had died, the second time was because of the abortion, but this time I had no excuse. And to be honest, I think the last two times those were just "convenient" excuses too. This time I had to face up to the fact that I have anxiety issues and am most likely depressed, and I need help. Thankfully the university has a counselling service which I'm attending on Tuesday, hopefully to get some cognitive behavioural therapy to help with my confidence. Everyone has been amazingly supportive, including my parents, who were notified by the university - I came home for a visit one day and found myself having to tell the entire truth, which felt like such a weight off my shoulders considering I've been lying to them for a long time about my progress on the nursing course.

I seriously feel like everything's out in the open now and I can start 2009 as a completely open and honest person. No lies about my course, no two-timing people, no fucked up behaviour in general. That's the person I want to be, and I really really hope I can do it.

Oh, and I'm going to AA on Monday night too. Can't hurt.

I just can't help fucking things up.

I love my ex, unfortunately. We've been sort of a couple since my last post - by "sort of" I mean we see each other every couple of weeks and spend all the time we have together being very lovey dovey and touchy feely, but he's still listed as single on Facebook.

During this time I've been occasionally sleeping with someone else. I have no idea why, since I really do love the ex. I think it's because I have a massive need for attention, a craving for affection. Or maybe it's because I can't allow myself to be happy so I always have to do something that will in the long term lead to a massive fuckup. Case in point: this other guy is in the same circle of friends as the ex, and this weekend found out he wasn't the only one. He's devastated, everyone else in the group hates me, and it's only a matter of time before Ex finds out, at which point my entire world will collapse.

And it's all my own fault. I wish I could stop sabotaging everything in my life. But I don't deserve to be happy, especially not now.

Edit: I've just reread this post and it's so self-pitying I can hardly stand it. I fucked up, this is all my fault and I need to be a big girl, learn from my mistakes and move on. There's nothing anyone can do to fix it. I'll just have to take the disapproval from my friends, which is completely justified, and take steps from now on to be a better person and not screw people over like this ever again.

Basically I need to stop being such a whiny bitch and just fucking get on with it. Simple as that.

I'm still alive.

And still sleeping with my ex.

More to follow.