Saturday 13 December 2008

P.P.S.

"Don't ever let another person have so much emotional power over you. Remember, no guy is that special."

Mr NYC, I need to have this tattooed somewhere about my person. Thank you.

P.S.

Anonymous, for some reason I didn't get your email. If you wanted to send it again, that'd be great. If not, no problem.

rockinghorse_fly@hotmail.com

Wow.

It feels like my entire life has flipped, with a back handspring thrown in for good measure. Ex found out about everything and we haven't spoken since (he removed me as a friend on Facebook, say no more) and out of a group of friends of about 30, I now have precisely 2 people who will still talk to me. This does not include my housemates, who sat me down and told me they're willing to "let me" live in the same house until our contract is up in June because they don't want to have a stranger move in, but categorically stated that we are not friends and co-existing is all I'm going to get. Which I totally understand, I behaved horribly to two guys who have been friends of theirs longer than I have, but it's not exactly my ideal situation.

Added to that, I've had a bit of trauma with my department because, for the third time, I wasn't attending enough to pass the module. The first time was because my grandmother had died, the second time was because of the abortion, but this time I had no excuse. And to be honest, I think the last two times those were just "convenient" excuses too. This time I had to face up to the fact that I have anxiety issues and am most likely depressed, and I need help. Thankfully the university has a counselling service which I'm attending on Tuesday, hopefully to get some cognitive behavioural therapy to help with my confidence. Everyone has been amazingly supportive, including my parents, who were notified by the university - I came home for a visit one day and found myself having to tell the entire truth, which felt like such a weight off my shoulders considering I've been lying to them for a long time about my progress on the nursing course.

I seriously feel like everything's out in the open now and I can start 2009 as a completely open and honest person. No lies about my course, no two-timing people, no fucked up behaviour in general. That's the person I want to be, and I really really hope I can do it.

Oh, and I'm going to AA on Monday night too. Can't hurt.