I just can't help fucking things up.

I love my ex, unfortunately. We've been sort of a couple since my last post - by "sort of" I mean we see each other every couple of weeks and spend all the time we have together being very lovey dovey and touchy feely, but he's still listed as single on Facebook.

During this time I've been occasionally sleeping with someone else. I have no idea why, since I really do love the ex. I think it's because I have a massive need for attention, a craving for affection. Or maybe it's because I can't allow myself to be happy so I always have to do something that will in the long term lead to a massive fuckup. Case in point: this other guy is in the same circle of friends as the ex, and this weekend found out he wasn't the only one. He's devastated, everyone else in the group hates me, and it's only a matter of time before Ex finds out, at which point my entire world will collapse.

And it's all my own fault. I wish I could stop sabotaging everything in my life. But I don't deserve to be happy, especially not now.

Edit: I've just reread this post and it's so self-pitying I can hardly stand it. I fucked up, this is all my fault and I need to be a big girl, learn from my mistakes and move on. There's nothing anyone can do to fix it. I'll just have to take the disapproval from my friends, which is completely justified, and take steps from now on to be a better person and not screw people over like this ever again.

Basically I need to stop being such a whiny bitch and just fucking get on with it. Simple as that.