I've just remembered

I went to see a clairvoyant about a year ago, and he said he could see a baby in my life in the next twelve months. Now, I'm the first to call bullshit when it comes to the supernatural, but that's kind of spooky. Of course, it's possible that his words were in the back of my mind when I came off the Pill and I was subconsciously daring the universe to prove him right.

He also said I'd get involved with a man from Yorkshire. I thought that was the guy I met a few months ago, who I was head over heels about, but then he swanned off to Morocco and met some other girl, so I guess it's not him. I'm inclined to take that as proof that psychics are pulling it all out of their arses, but rationally I know that's only because I liked him so much and he found someone better. That's not evidence against the psychic community, that's just a bitter women pining over what could've been.

Every so often

I get a mad urge to text the ex-father of my aborted foetus and tell him everything. But what good would it do? None whatsoever...I think I just want to see what his reaction would be. It's probably because I've carried this knowledge by myself for the past 9 weeks or so - the need to tell someone, anyone, is growing, and he's the obvious candidate. But deep down I know I never will. It's between me and my uterus.

As of today

the post below is no longer accurate. Keeping it was never an option, and luckily I didn't get any maternal feelings at all in my 8 weeks of being up the duff. It never once felt like a baby in there - still doesn't, it was a cluster of cells and now it's nothing. I have no regrets whatsoever.

I've kept it all secret though. Couldn't tell my ultra-Catholic mother obviously, and I found I just didn't want to tell anyone else. I much prefer to deal with things myself, with minimum fuss, and while that isn't always the right decision, it definitely was in this case. I just drove myself to the clinic, had it done, and drove home.

I want to have kids someday, but now is not the right time. I have no money, no job, not in a relationship with the father, and I live between my parents' and student accommodation. Once I've finished my course, graduated and got a job, then it'll be time to start breeding. It wouldn't be fair to bring a child into the world in these circumstances.

That last paragraph sounds like I'm trying to justify my decision. In fact, I feel no need to justify it whatsoever, because I know 100% it was the right thing for me.

I will say this - thank Christ for the NHS. I don't know how people in the US cope; there's no way I could've found £250 to get this done. Not to mention countries where abortion isn't legal - there were 5 women in the recovery room with me, and 4 of them were Irish. It was bad enough having to drive 30 miles home afterwards, imagine having to get on a plane or (heaven forbid) a ferry. I've always supported abortion rights in an abstract kind of way, but now it's top of my list. I have a lot to be thankful for.